40/70 Rule

The 40-70 Rule: New Study Shows It's Time to Get Seniors and Their Families Talking

Driving, Finances, Independence, Romance Among the Topics

April 30, 2008

Your dad's neighbor just called to tell you that your 79-year-old father sideswiped his parked vehicle and nearly hit a child standing nearby. Was it an isolated slip-up or a sign that it's time for your dad to think about giving up his car keys? More importantly, how do you begin the discussion about such a potentially volatile subject?

Communication hurdles on sensitive issues like this can best be overcome by following the new 40-70 Rule, according to a first-of-its-kind study by Home Instead Senior Care, an international company providing in-home, non-medical care to seniors. Analysis of the findings revealed that when the child reaches age 40 or the parent reaches age 70, whichever comes first, it's time to begin those difficult conversations.

"Lack of communication can lead to misuse of medications, self-neglect and accidents," said Denise de Cock, owner of the local Home Instead Senior Care office in Torrance serving seniors in areas from San Pedro to Marina Del Rey and the South Bay area. "Our goal is to educate the public about the 40-70 Rule and practical ways for adult children to talk to their parents now about topics such as driving, finances, independence and even romance."

The research, which surveyed baby boomers 45 to 65 years of age in the U.S. and Canada, showed that nearly one-third of adults in the U.S. have a major communication obstacle with their parents that stems from continuation of the child-parent, rather than a peer-to-peer, role.

"Because of this obstacle, adult children may wait until an emergency or crisis happens before talking to parents," said de Cock. "It's best to open up the dialogue early."

More than half of the adult children surveyed who still see themselves in the child-parent role have the most difficulty talking to their parents about whether it's time for the parent to leave home. Their parents' desire to remain independent makes it challenging to address such sensitive issues as health (28 percent) and money (21 percent), too.

Half of the respondents were interested in learning more about their parents' cognitive condition. Are memory lapses indications of early-stage Alzheimer's or simply senior moments? Forty-seven percent of adult children are "not very" or "not at all" comfortable speaking to their moms or dads about their romantic lives.

"A gentle inquiry such as, 'It seems you've been seeing quite a bit of Fran recently,' is appropriate," said Jake Harwood, Ph.D., national author and communication professor from the University of Arizona and former director of the university's Graduate Program in Gerontology. "If you sense the new love interest may be taking advantage of your parent financially or that there may be abuse involved, some additional probing is justified."

At the center of the 40-70 Rule campaign is a guide of conversation starters for sensitive senior-care subjects, compiled with Harwood's help. The free guide, available at the Home Instead Senior Care office in Torrance, features possible responses to some of the most awkward senior subjects.

"When talking with parents about driving, for instance, approach the topic with care and don't automatically assume it's time to take the keys," said Harwood. "If there's been an accident, ask what happened and then take the opportunity to drive with your parent. Even a short drive would help you gauge skills and deficits."

If your parents acknowledge a problem on this issue or others, ask what they think would be good solutions, he said. Avoid patronizing speech or baby talk that may put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect.

To help ease the tension, adult children should analyze their relationship with the parents and perhaps make some changes, said Hardwood.

"If an adult child always turns first to the parent in times of trouble or crisis, then they can expect the parent to continue acting out the parenting role," he said. "But if the child becomes truly independent and stops acting out these behaviors, then the parent may be more likely to relinquish the parent role."

Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person, said de Cock. Good communication is vital to helping families know when it's time to seek additional resources, for example, the help of a professional caregiver.

The bottom line is to keep talking, because the parent-child conversation can be so important in helping seniors adapt to changing life circumstances, she said.

For the 40-70 Rule guide, contact Home Instead Senior Care in Torrance at (310) 542-0563 or Denise de Cock . For additional research results, log on to www.4070talk.com or www.homeinstead.com/286.

For more information about Home Instead Senior Care's survey, including the results of the research and an executive summary, log on to www.4070talk.com. For more information about aging issues, contact Jake Harwood at jharwood@u.arizona.edu. To order his book, "Understanding Communication and Aging," visit www.amazon.com.

Survey methodology: 1,000 telephone interviews were completed in the U.S. (sampling error of +/-3.1 percent at a 95 percent confidence level) and 500 interviews were completed in Canada, excluding Quebec (sampling error of +/-4.4 percent at a 95 percent confidence level). Data analysis was performed by the Boomer Project of Richmond, Virginia: www.boomerproject.com.

Seven Tips to Help Boomer Children Communicate With Their Aging Parents

Following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., from the University of Arizona, are tips to help family caregivers communicate with their aging parents on sensitive subjects.

1. Get started If you're 40 or your parents are 70, it's time to start observing and gathering information carefully and thoughtfully. Don't reach a conclusion from a single observation and decide unilaterally on the best solution until you have gathered information with an open mind and talked with your parents.

2. Talk it out Approach your parents with a conversation. Discuss what you've observed and ask your parents what they think is going on. If your parents acknowledge the situation, ask what they think would be good solutions. If your parents don't recognize a problem, use concrete examples to support your case.

3. Sooner is best Talk sooner, rather than later, when a crisis has occurred. If you know your loved one has poor eyesight or has trouble driving at night, begin to address those issues before a problem arises.

4. Forget the baby talk Remember you are talking to an adult, not a child. Patronizing speech or baby talk will put older adults on the defensive and convey a lack of respect for them. Put yourself in your parents' shoes and think how you would want to be addressed in the situation.

5. Maximize independence Always try to move toward solutions that provide the maximum amount of independence for the older person. Look for answers that optimize strengths and compensate for problems. For instance, if your loved ones need assistance at home, look to resources that can help them maintain their strengths such as trusted friends, neighbors or in-home caregivers.

6. Stay tuned in If your dad dies and soon afterward your mom's house seems to be in disarray, it's probably not because she suddenly became ill. It's much more likely to stem from a lack of social support and the loss of a life-long relationship. Make sure that your mom has friends and a social life.

7. Ask for help Many of the issues of aging can be solved by providing parents with the support they need to continue to maintain their independence. Resources such as area agencies on aging, local senior centers and in-home care providers can help provide those solutions.

Conversation starters for sensitive senior subjects

The following, from Home Instead Senior Care and communication expert Jake Harwood, Ph.D., from the University of Arizona, are common and sensitive situations that can arise with seniors. These scenarios are based on research conducted by Home Instead Care in the U.S. Here, Harwood provides advice to help family caregivers begin communication about these sensitive situations. For more information and other scenarios, contact your local Home Instead Senior Care office at (310) 542-0563 or www.homeinstead.com/286 for the 40-70 Rule guide.

Research: Nearly one-third (31 percent) of baby boomers said their biggest communication obstacle with their aging parents is continuation of the parent-child roles that emerged in childhood, making discussion of sensitive issues even more difficult.

Your 70-year-old widowed mother has just been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a disease that causes deterioration of eyesight. How do you begin a conversation with her about the possible ramifications of this disease on her life?

Many seniors in this situation might begin the conversation with family themselves. If not, then think about her personal circumstances and important areas to address. For example, if your mother lives in a remote area, transportation is probably the most immediate issue. Approach the conversation with the goal of trying to resolve this one issue, rather than multiple issues.

Timing is the key. There are rarely urgent deadlines that have to be met immediately give yourself and your parent time to think about issues. Your mom would likely be receptive to a conversation that begins: Let's make a plan to get you around town if you no longer feel safe driving.

Research: The most difficult topic for adult children to discuss with their aging parents was that the parents have to leave their home. That conversation was a problem for more than half (53 percent) of those who were still in the parent-child role, as well as more than one-third (35 percent) who didn't have that communication obstacle.

You find that your 77-year-old mother's house is often in disarray when you visit. You believe it's time for her to make a change in her living arrangement. What do you say?

Observation and careful attention to the problem should be your first course of action. Avoid diagnosing a problem and deciding on a solution quickly. Approach your mother with a sense of working together to find a solution rather than telling her what to do.

The specific circumstances, such as financial constraints, may be relevant. Is the problem simply that your mother is physically challenged by strenuous housework or is she deteriorating mentally? Does she just need help tidying up around the house or are other aspects of her personal care, such as bathing, going downhill?

Assuming that the problem is physical where vacuuming or bending is becoming an issue, begin the conversation with an offer: "Mom, I have some extra cash. What do you say we find someone to help you with the heavy stuff, like vacuuming? It will be my treat." Seniors are often very willing to accept help around the house. And most communities have ample resources such as cleaning services and companies like Home Instead Senior Care that can help.

Research: Forty-nine percent of adult children said they were interested in learning more about their parents' medication management.

When visiting your 85-year-old dad, you see bottles of medication on the kitchen counter, on the bathroom counter and on his night stand. You wonder how he is keeping all of his medications straight. What do you ask?

It's good to use humor and, in a situation like this, to assume that he is keeping them straight (innocent until proven guilty). There may be good reasons why some of his medications are in the kitchen (he's taking them with food) while others are on the nightstand (he's taking them before bed).

Pointing to a bottle and asking, "How the heck do you keep all these pills straight, Dad" would be a good conversation starter. If the response includes the reasons you suspected above, then it sounds like things are under control. If, however, he says, "I don't know. I do my best. I'm not even sure what some of them are," then the situation probably needs more attention. If he's having a problem, talk to him about a pill organizer, which could help him keep his medications better organized.